i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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