You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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