HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
