Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
