It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
