my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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