The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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