I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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