i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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