You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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