3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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