You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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