What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
