Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
