I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
