Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize