please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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