he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
