he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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