I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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