I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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