Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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