Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
