yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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