Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
