what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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