Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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