I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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