I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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