mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
