if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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