Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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