I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
