i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
