I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
