shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
