Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
