I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
