Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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