Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
