you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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