dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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