I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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