they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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