Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
