just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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