hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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