Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
