If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
