If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
