Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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