life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
