***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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