sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
