i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
